


A Million Words

by followyourenergy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Characters Writing Fanfiction, Fanfiction, Feels, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-11-28 13:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20967050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/followyourenergy/pseuds/followyourenergy
Summary: Castiel Novak has a few secrets: He drinks orange juice straight from the container. He writes heartfelt fan fiction. And he’s in love with his best friend, Dean Winchester.He’s not sure how to tell him, but he figures fanfic might be a good place to start.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, my lovelies! This is a gift from me to you, to thank you for all of your support! I have written a million words about the love of Cas and Dean, and many of you have read all of them! To celebrate this milestone, may I present you with a gift: a little love letter about fanfic and the boys we adore. 
> 
> Whether you’ve read all my work, just a few pieces, or this is your first, I appreciate you so much. ❤️
> 
> For those who have read some of my other work, I’ve done something sort of unique: I’ve hidden Easter eggs in this story from all of my other fics! Some are more obvious than others. In the last chapter, you’ll find a list of all of my fics to date, with the references I made. Self-indulgent? Maybe. 😂 Fun? I hope so! 😄 If you’ve never read my stuff or don’t remember it, don’t worry—it’s not necessary to have read anything else I’ve done.
> 
> Thank you so much for all of your support. ❤️❤️❤️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [MalMuses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalMuses/pseuds/MalMuses) for giving this a once-over! ❤️

_Ryder doesn’t dare kiss him—he doesn’t want to wake him, and he’s taken too much advantage already—so, with one last, long look, he opens the door to the hall and slips through, tucking an envelope near the door for Killian to find before leaving him behind. _

“No! No, what are you doing?” Dean shouts, sitting straight up on his bed. “You fucking idiot!” He clutches his phone as he stares at it, bug-eyed and frustrated. Why would Ryder leave Killian? Yes, Killian was a jackass, but he was turning things around! He was falling for him! How did Ryder not _ see _that?

Dean’s bedroom door swings open. “Dean? What’s wrong?” Cas asks, wide eyes darting all over the room. 

“Um,” Dean stammers. He didn’t mean to be so loud. “Nothin’.”

“Nothing? Then why were you yelling?” Cas’ eyes drop to his phone, then back to Dean.

“It was…um...” Dean looks to his phone, then back to his concerned best friend. He’s already keeping one huge secret from him, and it’s taking up so much space that he doesn’t have room for others in his brain anymore. “Fuck it. You know everything else about me, anyway.”

And that’s how Castiel Novak finds out that Dean Winchester reads fanfiction. 

***

Dean is startled out of his reading of the adventures of Killian Montgomery and Ryder Hartwood, characters in the TV show _ Deja Vu_. The men—well, technically, an angel (Ryder, who got his only-used-in-fic last name from his vessel and his first from a moving van, his angelic name unpronounceable) and a self-proclaimed “time cowboy” (Killian, a reckless human with a tarnished reputation but a “bright soul,” per his angelic friend)—along with Killian’s brother, Cameron, are on a mission to fix the past in order to make the future that is supposed to happen (as told to Ryder by Carwyn, the Lifeforce). The angel and the cowboy are also completely, absolutely in love. They just don’t know it—although the thousands of people who read Ryllian (Ryder and Killian) fanfic about them certainly do. Dean is one of them. He usually reads AU fics, where the characters are put into different situations outside of the TV show. This one he’s reading now is based on canon, though divergent. It’s just a one-shot, in which Killian tells Ryder he will never have to be alone, even in death, because Killian will find him no matter what. Because of course he will. Killian’s so in love with Ryder, it’s heartbreaking. 

Cas bends over Dean’s shoulder as Dean quickly closes out of Archive of Our Own before Cas sees. “And how are Killian and Ryder this evening?” he smirks. 

Dean rolls his eyes. No sense denying it. “They’re good. Hot, as always.” He doesn’t tell him that the sex is only one of the reasons why he reads fanfic, and not even the most important reason.

Cas laughs. “You should read me some. I could use a little action in my life.”

“Read it yourself,” he shoots back. 

“Maybe I will. But not tonight. We need groceries, and we need to be back in time for your show.” Cas winks at him. It makes his heart pound, and not just because his friend is teasing him.

“Stop,” he says, blushing. 

“It’s okay. I know how much you _ looooove _ astrophysics.”

“It’s interesting!”

“Mmm. So it’s not because the host of the show is hot.”

“I like his hair,” he mumbles.

“Uh huh.”

Dean stands. “Shut up.”

Cas snickers as he rips the grocery list from the fridge. 

It’s near Thanksgiving, so the store is _ packed. _ Cas and Dean wind their way slowly through the aisles, bumping into each other more often than not as they maneuver around the throngs. Most people look miserable—Dean feels especially bad for the two (hot) guys at the seafood counter, who are holding squirming twin boys in their arms and seem to be fighting silently. Some people, though, look pretty damn happy—kids jumping in delight when their mom picks up a pumpkin pie, friends buying beer, and in the cleaning aisle, two dudes having an actual joust with mops (and laughing their asses off). Even the guy buying what looks like copious amounts of feminine hygiene products looks like life isn’t treating him _ too _ badly (but that could be because the guy with him is totally fucking hot and _ rocking _ that suit he’s wearing). 

At the register, a guy is gushing about the guy next to him, something about a date. It’s adorable, and Dean finds himself feeling jealous. He glances at Cas, who’s already looking at him. Dean licks his lips and turns to stare at the racks of chewing gum until the guys in front of them leave, the one guy looking at the other as if he’s already in love. Maybe he is. Dean gets that. 

Back at home, Cas makes salsa chicken, one of Dean’s favorite dinners, then they settle in to watch TV for a while (and yeah, that astrophysicist _ is _hot, sue him). Cas sits close to him, as he always does, and Dean sweats, as he always does. It’s getting worse as time wears on. He glances at Cas’ hands. They’re so fucking sexy, and Cas doesn’t even realize how much he turns Dean on when he rubs his hands along his thighs absently. He does it a lot. Cas is a fidgeter. Those hands have featured in many of his fantasies...on his legs, his chest, in his hair, on his cock...on Dean’s legs, his chest, in his hair, on his cock... 

“Are you okay?” Cas asks. 

“Huh?”

“The show is over, and you haven’t moved.”

“Oh. Uh, yeah. I’m gonna, um, go read.”

“Say hi to Ryder and Killian for me.”

“Ass.” He shoves his friend, who laughs. “It’s good stuff.”

“Oh, I'm sure. Very highbrow.”

“Come on, now, a lot of it is really good.”

“I bet.”

“You’d be surprised. Don’t criticize what you don’t know. And hey, it’s not like you could write a fanfic, Mr. Guy-Who-Stares-At-Numbers-All-Day-And-Reads-Tax-Code-At-Night.”

“Ouch,” Cas says, clutching his heart. “I’ll have you know, I could. And very well.” He sticks his tongue out. Dean knows where he’d like that tongue.

“Sure you could. I’m going to my room to read porn now.”

“Enjoy your smut. I’m going to my room, too.”

“Enjoy your soul-withering code.”

***

Cas closes the door to his bedroom and blows a hard breath through pursed lips. He’s dying to know. _ Dying_. But he’s not going to ask. 

Dean doesn’t know that Cas writes fanfic, and that he is, in fact, good at it—or at least his subscribers and the comments on his stories would suggest so. It’s something that’s become a passion, something that he may turn into another career—if he ever gets brave enough to send anything out to publishers, which is harder than it sounds. There’s deciding whether to self-publish, whether to get an agent, whether to turn his fanfic into something to send out or come up with something new. There’s figuring out what audience he wants. There’s all the time it takes. There are rejections. _ Lots _ of rejections. 

In the fanfic world, though, there’s lots of acceptance and support, and he loves that. He’s fairly well-known in the _ Deja Vu _ fandom, he’s told (it always surprises him to hear that), so he’s curious to know if Dean’s read his work. Yet he’s scared to ask, scared to even tell him. What if Dean doesn’t like his work? It would hurt so much more than some anonymous person online. And frankly, he’s probably put way more of himself and his feelings into his work than the average writer. His feelings about a certain roommate. 

Cas is Ryder. Dean is Killian. And in every fic, Ryder is in love with Killian. Of course, he always makes Killian fall in love with Ryder, too. Wishful thinking, but they’re his stories, so he’ll do what he wants. 

He takes a few deep breaths and flips open his computer. The screen lights up. He smiles. His background is a selfie of the two of them from their trip to Bermuda. They’d had a great time, Cas remembers—he hasn’t forgotten those massages they got, nor the bed-sharing they had to do because there was only one bed (Cas snickers at the common fanfic trope). He shakes himself out of his dazed drooling over his best friend and opens Google Docs.

_ Hmm. _There are so many things he could work on. He could wrap up his current WIP, an AU about Ryder and Killian fighting over a car. He could work on his story for the Bang he’s in, another AU about Killian as a caregiver, his wheelchair-bound uncle, and Ryder, his uncle’s nurse. He could play with the twenty stories he’s started and never finished, or he could attack the folder labeled “Story Ideas.” He could be so productive. 

He stands up and stretches. He goes to get tea. He looks at his docs again. He lays his head on his desk. He makes incoherent noises of frustration. “Come on, Cas,” he mutters. 

He grabs his phone and opens his Spotify app, chuckling as he opens his MTC playlist. He and Dean each have a favorite in the band, and they’re pretty passionate about their opinions. Not that it matters—it’s not like they’d ever meet them, and the co-singers are engaged anyway—but it’s fun to tease each other. The heavy bassline of “Don’t Tell Me” begins, and he hums as he cracks his knuckles and gets into writing mode. 

He decides on fluff. Christmas is on its way, and he wants to have something to post around that time. He thinks about Dean’s mention of the Secret Santa exchange he’s planning for his Kindergarten students, and an idea blooms in his mind. He writes.

Three hours later, he’s exhausted, but he’s made progress and he’s happy with it. It’s short enough so he won’t need a beta on this one. He rolls his shoulders and decides to take a quick look at his email. 

_ Ooh, comments_. He doesn’t need comments—he appreciates his readers whether they comment or not—but man, he loves them. Comments are one of his favorite parts of fanfic, because he gets to chat with others about a mutual passion. Some comments are fervid, some are keysmash gibberish, some are thoughtful. Some people make predictions about what will happen next, some analyze what’s happened so far, some talk directly to the characters. Some comment sporadically, some only at the end of a story, some in every chapter. He loves it all. He clicks into the comments on his latest WIP to respond. 

People were _ mad _ last time, and though he doesn’t want to upset people, he admits he gets a little evil glee out of it, too. Their reactions mean that they’re invested, and he loves that. This chapter, people are worried. He prepares himself to sympathize (because he does) without giving away too much plot (it’s so tempting sometimes). 

He responds to all of his comments, saving his favorite commenter for last. He shouldn’t have favorites, he knows, but this one commenter has read everything he’s written, comments on every chapter, and, well, they’ve connected over their love of Killian and Ryder—he, of course, Killian, and his commenter, Ryder. Or, to be more accurate, they’ve connected over their love of Killian and Ryder’s real-life counterparts. 

Their relationship went to the next level when Rydhis_Hardwood (Cas still laughs about that username; it sounds like something Dean would say) mentioned how he identified with Killian in one of his comments. It led to a long thread, in which Rydhis confessed his feelings for his friend and Cas confessed his feelings for Dean (without naming him, of course). Since then, they’ve been pretty tight, chatting through comments. He doesn’t know a lot about him—he’s a cisgender, bisexual male who enjoys fluff and sex about equally and love a good, hearty plot, and his roommate is male—but he feels for Rydhis. 

Smiling, he opens the email with Rydhis’ comment and clicks on the link to bring him to said comment in AO3.

_ Rydhis_Hardwood on Chapter 11: Dude, that was crazy. Ryder’s letter broke my cold, dead heart, man. Here I was, prepared to hate him (and you), and then he leaves this letter that flays him open and shows us how lovesick he is. Ack. Wish I was brave enough. Then again, he didn’t think he was gonna see Killian again, so he could do that. Not me. I’d be stuck. Anyway, loved it, and I'm glad that Killian’s going after him. Not that I had any doubt. :) _

Cas smiles. 

_ Comment as KilliansHusband: You know me so well. ;) Of course Killian wasn’t going to just let him go. Killian loves him, just as Ryder loves Killian (so much so that he sacrificed everything, including his own happiness, which broke my heart writing it because it just killed him to leave). I’m glad you don’t hate me. And hey, FWIW, I think your Ryder would be lucky to have your heart. If you shared your feelings with him, at least it would be out in the open. _

Unsurprisingly, Rydhis comments almost immediately, as he often does, and they start a conversation:

_ Rydhis_Hardwood on Chapter 11: He already has my heart, man. And it would probably be okay, I guess, cause he’s so easygoing, but I don’t wanna make things awkward between us. We live together. Don’t want him to think he can’t date anyone because it’ll upset me. I mean, it would, obvs, but still. Not like he’s dating anyone, though. Doesn’t even talk about it. Just, I dunno. Nervous. _

_ KilliansHusband on Chapter 11: I know he has your heart. I can tell. And I will confess to you that I’m better at giving others advice than following it myself. Obvs. :D _

_ Rydhis_Hardwood on Chapter 11: Yeah, what’s up with that? Still pining, huh? _

_ KilliansHusband on Chapter 11: Like a tree-shaped air freshener. _

_ Rydhis_Hardwood on Chapter 11: That was bad. _

_ KilliansHusband on Chapter 11: I know. XD Yes, still pining. It sucks, but it makes for good fanfic fodder, I suppose. _

_ Rydhis_Hardwood on Chapter 11: Better if you got it resolved, though. You’d feel better. And your BFF would be damn lucky to have a nice guy like you. _

_ KilliansHusband on Chapter 11: Aren’t you the pot calling the kettle black? _

_ Rydhis_Hardwood on Chapter 11: Maybe _

_ KilliansHusband on Chapter 11: ;P _

It’s nice to have someone who understands what he’s going through, Cas muses as he finishes their conversation. 

In the morning, Cas drinks strong coffee with cinnamon and looks out the window while he waits for his gluten-free bagel to pop up. The sanitation truck is just arriving, and Cas watches with interest as the sandy-haired worker and his co-worker, a burly guy, muscle the cans up to dispose of the waste contained within. 

“Watchin’ Hottie McClean?” Dean teases as he pads into the kitchen. Cas turns. Dean is pouring coffee into his travel mug, fully dressed for his last day of work before the Thanksgiving holiday. There are no students today, so he’s gone casual in jeans and a green t-shirt that brings out his eyes. 

“Indeed,” Cas purrs, though he won’t tell Dean that _ he’s _ the Hottie in question. Noting Dean’s bloodshot eyes, he says, “You look tired. Didn’t sleep well?”

“Not great.”

“Oh? Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, just, um...just talking to a fandom friend.”

“Oh.” Cas raises his brows in surprise. “I didn’t know you were that into it.”

Dean seems to close in on himself. “Yeah, well, I talk to a few people. I don’t go crazy or anything—”

“No, I'm sure. It’s perfectly fine, Dean.”

“No, no, I know. I just don’t want you to think I'm obsessed or immature or something.”

Cas furrows his brows. “I don’t think you’re obsessed or immature at all. It’s something you enjoy. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Okay.” He blows out a hard breath. “Okay, good.”

“Okay.” Cas smiles at him, placing a hand on his shoulder and hoping it’s enough to calm Dean. He understands his feelings. He has similar feelings about people in his real life finding out he writes fanfic. Even though several of their friends are fans of the show, no one knows he writes about it.

Licking his lips (a nervous tell, Cas knows), Dean asks, “So, uh, we’ll bake tonight? For tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.”

They stand at the counter, staring at each other. Cas realizes his hand is still on Dean and drops it, clearing his throat. “Uh, well, bagel popped, so.” He tips his head toward the toaster.

“Right, right. Sorry. Uh, have a good day, man.”

“You t—” Cas starts, but his words are muffled by Dean’s shoulder as he pulls him into a hug. They’re rare, these hugs, but definitely not unwelcome. In fact, Cas thinks skipping a day at the office to do this all day sounds like an excellent plan. But as quickly as it started, the hug ends and Dean races out the door.

*** 

_ Shit. What the hell is wrong with you? _

When they were staring at each other in the kitchen, the words almost tumbled out of his mouth. So instead, he hugged his best friend within an inch of his life. For being so desperate for Cas to _ not _think he’s crazy, he sure acted like it just now.

Dean sighs and heads to work. 

By the end of the day, he feels better. He works with a great group of people, and they had an awesome time despite it being a work day (pre-holiday potlucks are the _ best_). Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and they’re hosting his brother Sam, his girlfriend Eileen, and a couple of friends this year. And tonight, he gets to hang out with Cas and make pies (all gluten-free, because Cas isn’t going to miss out on pie, damn it). Yup, life is good. 

When he arrives home, Cas has already started prepping—there are ingredients spread out along the table and counters, there are beers in chilled glasses (gluten-free, of course, for Cas), and classic rock is pouring from the speakers. The man himself is in sweatpants and a t-shirt that says _ Love is like pi: real, irrational, & never ending_. It’s gorgeously domestic, and it makes him want to cry and tell Cas everything, just for a chance to have this forever. From all the fanfic he’s read, it seems like all he’d have to do is confess his love and boom, they’d be together and clearing the table for sexy times...but in reality, they have pie to make and a friendship not to ruin. Plus, table sex doesn’t sound all that fun. It’s a hard surface, and theirs is sort of wobbly, shimmed by a wadded-up piece of notebook paper.

Still, he’d try it if Cas wanted to. Hell, he’d try anything Cas wanted to.

“Hello, Dean. How are you?”

_ I’d be better if you were kissing me right now. _ “Uh, good. Ate like a pig at the potluck.” _ Oh, well, doesn’t that make you more attractive. _ Dean glances at his belly self-consciously.

Cas chuckles, not seeming to notice Dean’s discomfort. “Good. I figured you probably wouldn't be too hungry, so I didn’t make supper. I’ve been eating pie filling and cranberry sauce instead. It’s entirely possible I will die from my blood turning to sugar. Bury me with Kit-Kats.”

“Those have gluten. You can’t eat those.”

“I can if I’m dead.”

“You can’t eat if you’re dead.”

“I am taking them with me to the afterlife, Dean.”

“Won’t get to keep ‘em. Charon is gonna take them as payment for ferrying you across the river Styx.”

Cas smirks. “And you make fun of me for being a nerd.”

“I gotta use my Mythology minor somehow.”

“Mmmhmm.” He shakes his head with that softly fond look Dean’s such a sucker for and beckons him with a finger. “Come.”

Damn, that’s the start of _ so _ many of his Dom Cas fantasies. And, like his fantasies, he follows dutifully. Cas leads him to his bedroom, and yeah, so far so good. 

“Take off your shirt and close your eyes.”

_ Hell yes. _ Dean does as he’s told.

“Open.”

He does, and instead of seeing Cas standing in front of him naked, or in leather, or even just presenting him with handcuffs or pretty underwear, he’s staring at...a t-shirt, a funny one that says _ I’m into fitness—fit’ness apple pie in my mouth_. It’s so thoughtful of Cas, and yet...he swallows down the disappointment he never should have had to begin with because he shouldn’t have let his mind wander. 

Cas lowers the shirt, which he’d been holding in front of his face. “Dean?”

“Love it, man,” he smiles, feeling self-conscious at getting caught daydreaming. It’s cool in the room; his nipples pebble. He fights the chill and slips the shirt on. “What do you think?”

There’s a weird, airless heaviness in the room as Cas’ eyes roam his chest and eventually land on his face. “Nice,” he says, clearing his throat. “Well, let’s get to it.” He breezes by Dean, and Dean looks after him, feeling terrible that he’s made things so awkward.

They settle in after a while, their usual ease returning with time, routine, and several beers. Cas is always fun to cook and bake with; he’s gotten better over the years, and has even taught Dean a few things. They joke around and throw whipped cream at each other. Dean tries to keep his mind out of the gutter as Cas licks it off his own arm with a moan and an exaggerated swipe of his tongue. 

“Do Ryder and Killian ever lick whipped cream off each other?”

Dean blushes. “Stop.”

“I bet they do. I bet it’s all, ‘Oh, Killian, you have a little right..._there_…’”

“Stop it!” Dean laughs.

“And Killian says, ‘Mmm, baby, you want my cherry?’ and Ryder says, ‘Oh, I’m gonna take your cherry, baby. I'm gonna take your cherry, and swallow allllll that cream, and I’m gonna plunge my spoon into your dish _ over _ and _ over _ and _ over_…’” Cas thrusts his hips, making high, breathy sounds as he wipes a spot of whipped cream from Dean’s arm and takes it into his mouth. Dean is convinced he’s about to die of either embarrassment or arousal. “‘Oh, fuck, Killian, let me dip into your sundae, baby.’”

Dean shoves him before his arousal becomes too obvious. “You suck.”

“See? I told you I could write this stuff.”

“That’s trash.” Dean shakes his head. “Good fanfic involves feelings and plot, not just fucking and stupid euphemisms.”

Cas looks thoughtful. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, smut’s fun and I like it, but you get burned out on two guys fucking constantly.”

“Do you? I think it sounds delightful.”

“Oh my God.” Dean slides a hand down his face. “What is this conversation?”

“Foolishness,” Cas grins. Dean grins back, powerless against that smile. The timer beeps.

Dean leans into the oven and pulls out three beautiful pies. “Man, look at these.” He turns to find Cas looking at him, not the pies. “What?”

“I just…” Cas’ eyes dart toward the floor, then back at him. “I just really...um...yeah. Um, I just...was noticing you have whipped cream in your hair, and I wanted to make sure to tell you.” 

“Oh. Uh, thanks?” The alcohol and his arousal must be messing with his head. He could’ve sworn that felt like a Look, like a Moment. But it was just Cas being Cas.

“Sure. Better get cleaned up. Big day tomorrow.”

“Right.”

“Plus, you’ll want time to read before bed.”

“Fuck you.”

Cas snickers, and Dean smiles, and they leave it at that.

Dean does retire to his room to read, but tonight he’s looking for something simple, something easy and fluffy with little to no angst. One of the things he loves about fanfic is that there’s so much variety. He can find just about anything he needs to match his mood or his hankering that day. Action? Sure. Heavy angst? Plenty. Tooth-rotting fluff? More than Willy Wonka’s factory could make. Friends to lovers? Soooo much. A/B/O. Crack. Roommates (_They were roommates!_). Pining. Slow burn. PWP. Wing kink. Humor. Established relationship. First kiss. Kids. Complicated worldbuilding. Straightforward smut. Canon. AU. 1K. 100K. On and on and on.

He goes to his favorite writer’s works and skims them until he sees one that would fit the bill. 

Ah, a simple high school AU. He doesn’t usually read high school, and KilliansHusband doesn’t usually write high school, but this one was a gift, apparently. It’s soft and sweet and reminds him of simpler times. Not that high school was simple, but his relationship with Cas was. Mostly. He didn’t realize his feelings for his friend weren’t strictly platonic until their senior year of college (didn’t even realize he was bisexual until his junior year of college). As he reads, he thinks back to all of those crazy times he and Cas spent together. Like the friends in this story, they were very close. Unlike these guys, though, they never thought about petitioning to be class couple. The conservative area where they used to live wouldn’t have tolerated that. He sort of wishes he’d found fanfic sooner. Maybe he would’ve come out sooner, realizing that he wasn’t some sort of freak. 

Cas, of course, was nothing but understanding—in part, sure, because he’s bisexual, too, but mostly just because he’s Cas. Cas had come out the year before him, but he never belittled Dean for taking longer, or not telling him sooner. He just supported him. It helped him as he went through the scary process of coming out to his parents, brother, and friends. 

When he gets to the bottom of the fic, he comments:

_ Comment as Rydhis_Hardwood: Reread this. Needed something sweet and simple tonight. Still loved it. Thank you for writing it. _

Shortly after, KilliansHusband responds:

_ KilliansHusband on Chapter 1: You’re welcome. Sometimes sweet and simple is nice, isn’t it? Are you okay? _

_ Rydhis_Hardwood on Chapter 1: Yeah. Just the usual. Pining, lol _

_ KilliansHusband on Chapter 1: Ah. I’m sorry. _

_ Rydhis_Hardwood on Chapter 1: It’s okay. It’s my fault for getting all hopeful. _

_ KilliansHusband on Chapter 1: Hope isn’t a bad thing. Love isn’t, either. There’s no shame in loving someone. _

_ Rydhis_Hardwood on Chapter 1: Yeah. Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it. I’m in the US and it’s tomorrow. _

_ KilliansHusband on Chapter 1: I do. I'm in the US too. And thank you. Happy Thanksgiving to you. _

Dean puts his phone away and closes his eyes, trying desperately not to think of Cas and failing.

Thanksgiving is, as usual, a rowdy, chaotic affair. Their parents live too far to join them this time, but they’re all coming for Christmas. Dean can’t wait for that. In the meantime, he’s enjoying the company of Sam and Eileen as well as their friends Charlie and Jo. They eat too much, drink too much, and generally give each other a hard time, and it’s almost perfect. _ Perfect _ would be if he and Cas were together. But he’ll take this, for now.

“Time for my dessert!” Charlie announces with a grin.

“After three pies, you want more dessert?” Dean asks.

“These cookies are special. Plus, we’re not gonna eat here. Come on. We’re going out. Eileen and I planned something.”

The six pile into an Uber van and head to a bar that Eileen knows. They’re hosting a “Sick of Your Family?” karaoke night. It seems lots of people are, given the crowd. Drinks are ordered all around, and Charlie gives Cas a separate tin before she hands out her special cookies around the table—sexually suggestive Pilgrims. Cas has the same, in gluten free form. They’re irreverent and hilarious, just like Charlie. “Practicing for my Christmas cookies I’m doing this year,” the baker explains with a laugh. She shares with some of the other tables, and the mood is even more buoyant than before.

Dean soon sees why Eileen chose this place—there’s a man translating the songs into ASL, and he is _ wow _—gorgeous, guileless, and has the best hands, just like Cas does. In between appreciating the eye candy and ignoring the swirl of heat every time Cas, who’s next to him, brushes a hand or leg against him accidentally, Dean enjoys the conversation. Sam and Eileen tell the story of their first date and how Eileen kicked his ass at mini golf. Jo and Charlie talk about their strange first date at the Roadhouse (where Jo’s mom, Ellen, interrogated Charlie) and their weekly video game showdowns with friends of theirs, who are “idiots in love”. Cas relates a couple of his own dating disasters, then laughs in embarrassment as he tells the story of how he and Dean once went out for dinner and Cas got sick with food poisoning. The others laugh, but Dean remembers how horrible it was. Cas even went to the Emergency Department that night. Dean had never been so scared in his life. It took Cas a while to recover from it, and Dean was relieved when he finally got him to eat some of his mom’s homemade soup (the harassment and teasing he got from his parents was worth it) and he started to show some color again.

“I’m loving the new season of _ Deja Vu_,” Charlie says, changing the topic. “I love Killian shedding the toxicity in his life, dealing with the shit with his father. And rumor is that Ryllian is finally gonna happen!” The redhead squeals with delight and claps her hands.

“At least Cameron wouldn’t have to deal with all their sexual tension anymore,” Sam grouses.

“Yeah, well, I’ll believe it when I see it,” Jo mutters.

“Me too,” Dean mutters along with her.

“Well, I can always fall back on fanfic if they don’t,” Charlie shrugs.

Several pairs of eyes turn to her. Shortly, words fly—

“You like fanfic?”

“What’s fanfic?”

“I read it, too!”

—and Charlie quiets the table with another squeal. “Ahh, I'm not the only one! You guys, that’s awesome! How many of you read fic?” 

Eileen, Jo, and Dean raise their hands. Dean’s pleasantly surprised and, honestly, relieved. The most important people in his life all know now, and some of them even share his hobby. 

“What’s fanfic?” Sam asks, brows knitted. He looks at Eileen, signing.

Charlie slaps him on the arm. “Oh. Oh, Sam, do we have an education for you,” she grins. Dean grins, too. His poor brother.

Sam is a gaping, confused mess after they explain the basics of fanfic, followed by interesting details such as the biology of Alphas and Omegas, why tentacles are a thing, animal fics, BDSM depictions, slash, and the cultural importance of fanfic, particularly in the expression for and representation of marginalized populations. Eileen, Jo, and Charlie are laughing at him, and Cas is quiet but seems engaged. Not put off by the topic, anyway. He’s listening. Dean can tell because he has that “listening face” on—intense stare, slight scowl that isn’t really a scowl. Dean feels for his brother—he was just as overwhelmed when he got into it—so he figures he’ll engage the ladies while Sam’s brain recalibrates. Plus, he kind of wants to nerd out.

“So, who do you guys like to read?”

This starts a lively, impassioned gushing about their favorite authors, many of whom Dean’s read. When the question is turned to him, the answer is easy.

“The best writer of Ryllian, for sure, has to be KilliansHusband.”

***

Cas nearly falls out of his chair as their friends chirp about their enjoyment of fanfic writer KilliansHusband. 

_ They read my work and like it. He reads my work and likes it. _ ** _He reads my work and he likes it._ **

Clutching his glass so hard he’s certain he could shatter it, he listens as Dean describes the stories he writes just one bedroom away from where Dean reads them. “I mean, I can _ feel _ everything he describes like I'm _ there_. He creates these amazing versions of Ryder and Killian, and every one of them is a little different but all so cool, you know? I mean, this guy makes me laugh one chapter and cry the next. It’s crazy.”

“I _ love _that about fanfic,” Eileen agrees.

“Right? And this is dumb, but it…” Dean directs his gaze away from him and his brother. “It brings me joy, you know?”

Cas might die of pure happiness. That’s what drives him, the joy it brings him and the joy he hopes to bring others. It’s all he ever wants his readers to feel, and all he ever wants Dean to feel. To know he reads his work and feels that...it’s overwhelming in the best way possible. “That’s not dumb, Dean,” he says quietly, unable to keep the words in.

Dean turns to him. “You don’t think so?”

“Anything that gives us joy should be celebrated, not belittled or hidden.” Oh, how he wishes he could follow his own advice.

A soft smile spreads across Dean’s face, making him that much more beautiful. “Thanks, Cas.”

“Exactly!” Jo declares loudly. She’s clearly had a couple too many. “Plus, the way KH writes Ryllian is _ so _ hot. Ugh, makes my panties wet.”

Cas wrinkles his nose. “Jo.”

Charlie laughs. “There’s my bi baby,” she says, laying a sweet kiss on her hair. “I read his work for the romance, but the sex is good, even if I don’t like boy parts.”

“The sex is awesome,” Dean gushes. Cas swallows, praying that his face isn’t flaming as he recalls just how he conceptualized those sex scenes...using himself and Dean.

“So, where do you guys read this stuff? And who writes it? Can anyone write one, or do you have to be part of some...club, or something?” Sam interjects, his mind seemingly finished with his data computations and coming back online and into their conversation. Cas is relieved they don’t have to spend more time describing Ryder and Killian’s hot yet heartfelt sex.

“Anyone can read it, Sam,” Charlie explains. “You go to a website like AO3 and type in the search terms you want to use, and you can use filters. For example, if you want to find Ryllian fics, you can search by TV show, then by relationships. Ryllian fics aren’t hard to find. They’re one of the most popular pairings.”

“Not surprising. There’s definitely something between them.”

Dean scoffs. “Of course there is. It’s painfully obvious to everyone but them. For crying out loud, _ Carwyn’s _trying to push them together. She’s, like, God, practically.”

“Anyone can write one, too,” Charlie continues. “Obvs. And if they wanna post it for others to read, all they need is an account.”

“Yeah, _ almost _anyone can. Maybe not Mr. Tax Code here,” Dean adds, shooting Cas a wink and a smirk.

Cas scowls. He’d like to refute him—oh, would he—but he won’t. Not right now, anyway. Enjoying fanfic is one thing, but if Dean knew who he was and read into his fiction too much…

He zones out for a little while, drinking his Dark & Stormy and feeling the same. Why does real life have to be so hard? In fiction, the characters’ actions and feelings, as well as the consequences of them, are controlled by the authors (though sometimes it feels like the characters do whatever the hell they want and he’s helpless but to follow). In real life, there are so many variables. So many complications. So many—

“RedQueen,” he hears Charlie say, and it snaps him out of his thoughts. He knows that name. That person comments on his fics, often with keysmash and lots of heart-eye emojis. 

“I’m KnifeWife,” Jo says. Another name he recognizes, though only through kudos. No comments.

“IrishEyesAreSmiling,” Eileen shares, making everyone chuckle fondly. He recognizes her name, too. She leaves very kind comments at the end of his stories.

“Okay, Dean, what’s your name?” Sam asks with the teasing grin of a little brother, though the man is anything but little. 

“I picked something funny,” Dean says, and Cas isn’t surprised at all. Neither is anyone else, by the looks he’s getting. “Get this: Rydhis_Hardwood. Because he wants to ride _ him_, meaning Ryder, and not _ her_, like the last syllable of his name sounds, okay, and he wants to _ ride his hard wood_…”

Cas doesn’t hear the rest, the roar of the familiar name filling his headspace. Rydhis_Hardwood. Dean is Rydhis. Rydhis, who’s in love with his roommate. _ Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh— _

“Cas? You okay?”

He stares at Dean. “Huh? Uh. I...drunk.”

Dean snickers and ruffles his hair. “So eloquent. That’s why you couldn’t write fanfic.” He stands. “I’m gonna settle the tab and get us a ride home. Everyone else is going out to do Black Friday shopping, but you’re clearly not up for it.” With a soft smile, he turns and heads toward the bar.

Cas watches him go. _ He’s Killian, who’s in love with Ryder. He’s Rydhis_Hardwood, who’s in love with his roommate. He’s Dean, who’s in love with me. _

_ Fuck. _

Cas doesn’t smile just yet. He has some thinking to do.

For the next week or so, he studies Dean—every word, every action, every touch. He goes back and reads comment threads. He quietly consults Eileen, the only one in their friend and family circle he knows can keep a secret, who tells him that _ of course _ Dean is in love with him. He finally smiles.

And he plans.

“I’m going to write a fanfic,” Cas declares to Dean over burgers at their favorite diner, freshly decorated for Christmas now that Thanksgiving is a week behind them. Dean looks at him, wide-eyed.

“Seriously? Why?”

“To prove I can.”

Dean snorts. “Oh, this oughta be good.”

“Oh, it will be. I might need your help, though.”

“With what?”

Cas shrugs. “Starting an account, figuring out how to maneuver the site I have to post on, that sort of thing.”

“Whatever you want, man,” he laughs. “I can’t wait to read it.”

“Will you give me cheers?”

“Cheers?”

“The things you guys were talking about when you like a story.”

“Kudos, Cas.”

“Oh. Yes. Kudos.”

“Sure.”

Dean shakes his head and smiles at Cas, and it’s all Cas can do not to throw himself into Dean’s arms right now, because now he understands those fond looks he always thought were platonic. “Thank you, Dean. I’ll try to write a memorable story.”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll remember it.”

Hearing the teasing in his tone, Cas kicks his foot under the table. “Fuck you.” 

Dean takes a bite of his burger, and Cas’ gears turn. Oh, will Dean remember. 

Their tired-looking but cheerful server, Nora, comes to check on them. “Planning on dessert tonight?” 

“Uh, yeah, I’m gonna have what that guy’s having,” Dean says, nudging his head toward where their usual server is chatting with a guy in an expensive suit and handing him a slice of pie a la mode. Said guy in expensive suit is giving the server heart eyes.

“The pie or the server?” Cas asks innocently. “Because I think the server’s taken.”

Nora glances over her shoulder and chuckles. “They’ve been dancing around that attraction for a while now. So, pie?”

“Please,” Dean says, flustered. Cas loves seeing the blush on his face.

“Two forks,” Cas says sweetly. “We’ll share your gluten-free apple.” They always share whatever the gluten-free pie is that day, something their usual server knows but Cas thought he should clarify for Nora. Still, Dean scowls at him as Nora leaves.

“Get your own,” he mumbles, then, almost to himself, adds, “Don’t want the damn server. Pain in my ass.”

“I think that would make a great story, don’t you? A handsome businessman named Killian comes into a diner just to see the hot waiter, Ryder, and they do it on the counter. Maybe Ryder gives him the ‘daily special’, or maybe Killian’s into hot pie filling, you know, like candle wax or something?”

“You’re a menace.”

Cas shrugs and waits for Nora to set their pie down on the table. When she leaves, Cas continues, “How would I spell out the moaning and grunting, though? And can I say ‘hot come shot from Killian’s dick onto Ryder’s lips’ or do I have to say ‘the warm evidence of Killian’s passion burst from his member and sealed Ryder’s mouth in the most intimate of ways’ or something? I mean, how explicit—”

“You suck, your fic sucks, eat your pie and shut up.”

Cas stifles a laugh and does as he’s told. For now.

***

Dean isn’t sure how much more of this he can take.

After he helped Cas set up his AO3 account and explained ratings, warnings, and tags (Cas’ comments—“There’s a tag called ‘Team Killian’s Red Ass’? Interesting, I’ll remember that” and “Is there a tag for Ryder deep-throating Killian on his knees and then taking it up the ass or do I have to just make one up?”—nearly killed him), he thought that would be the end of it. But no. Cas has _ questions_. And he insists that Dean stay nearby to answer them.

So while Cas, the guy he’s in love with, is sitting next to him writing something completely pornographic, Dean has to pretend he’s totally not affected by any of it.

Some of it is kind of funny... 

_ “What is that word I want, Dean? You know, the word! For the thing!” _

_ “What are those dots called? Oh, yeah, ellipses. Do I use ellipses or dashes? When do I use them? What the hell is an em dash?” _

_ “Maybe if I write my summary now, it’ll help me focus. But summaries are haaaaaarrrrd.” _

...until it’s not funny, because it leaves Dean squirming and wanting.

“Dean, why aren’t there more synonyms for the word ‘smile’? It’s so frustrating to use the same word over and over.”

“I dunno, buddy. Try ‘grin’ or ‘smirk’. I see those a lot.”

“Hmm. I don’t suppose Killian would grin upon seeing Ryder’s red, dripping cock. Would he smirk? I feel like that’s too...I don’t know. Jaunty? Cavalier?”

Dean pictures Cas’ red, dripping cock in place of Ryder’s, and _ Jesus_. “Uh, dunno, man. It’s your story. Told you this shit was harder than it sounds.” He adjusts himself in his seat.

“Hmm. Maybe he’ll just look at it hungrily. Yeah. I feel like I use a lot of adverbs, but…in this instance, I think it works. ‘Killian lustily tears Ryder’s boxers from his body, the last barrier between them shredded. He stares at Ryder’s red, dripping cock, looking at it hungrily as it throbs, quivering with need for him, practically calling to him.’ Does that work, Dean?”

_ Oh dear Lord in Heaven, what did I do to earn such torture? _ The writing’s just this side of cheesy, but the visual is... _ fuck_.

And it doesn’t help that KilliansHusband seems to be on a sex bender himself. He’s put out a couple of sexy one-shots in the last week, in his signature sex-and-feels style. He wants what KilliansHusband describes: the fun, steamy, yet deeply emotional sex and the relationship to go with it. In his response to one of Dean’s comments, KilliansHusband said that things are starting to look up for him, and he’s been feeling particularly hopeful and inspired. Must be nice. He’s happy for him, of course, but it makes him feel even more alone. He has a big story coming out soon, though, and he told his readers that it’s the most personal and most important story of his fanfic writing career or whatever. So that’ll be cool. He can’t imagine how he’s possibly going to top himself.

And speaking of…

“I think Ryder would top first, but I also think Killian would be a bossy bottom. His whole ‘time cowboy’ thing. Oh, I could use a lot of cowboy analogies, couldn’t I?”

_ Dear Lord, I’m sorry for whatever I did. Please help me survive this. _

His prayers go unanswered when Cas asks for his help again the next night.

“Could you help me? I’ve never had a partner who’s taller, and I need help visualizing this.”

Dean squints. “Visualizing what?”

Cas stands him from his Secret Santa project for his students. “Just...we’re probably the same size or so as Ryder and Killian, right?”

“Yeah, about.”

“Okay, so if they’re kissing...c’mere.” Cas tugs him close, much too close for his brain’s liking (his dick, however, loves it). “Would Ryder have to stand on his toes? No, I don’t think so. They seem close enough in height so that if Ryder just tilted his head up a little and Killian tilted his down a smidge…” Cas moves their heads until they’re in just the right position. There’s only a sliver of space between them, and Dean wants to close the gap so badly he can feel himself salivating. “Yes, that would work,” Cas finishes, his breath skating across Dean’s lips. 

Cas backs off, just enough for Dean to start breathing again—at least until he grabs his hips. “Okay, and so if they’re making out, then their dicks are pretty well lined up…” He yanks Dean close, though doesn’t let said dicks touch. He studies their groins. Dean feels his face catch fire. “Right. Okay. And if they’re in the shower and Ryder comes up from behind…”

Dean finds himself turned and pushed against the wall, and he feels like crying from all of the pent-up love and lust straining against his ribcage. Cas doesn’t seem to notice his pain, because he’s muttering about how Ryder would be at the “perfect height and angle” to “drill” Killian “with special lube for the shower, of course.” _ This can’t possibly get any worse_, Dean thinks.

“Raise your hands above your head. I want to see if Ryder could restrain him.”

_ Okay, it can get worse. _

Dean does as he’s asked, and Cas hums, an octave lower than his usual voice. He holds Dean’s wrists with one large, strong hand. 

“Do you think this would work?”

“Uh huh,” Dean manages to squeak.

“Okay.” He lets go and steps away, nodding. “Okay, I think I have it. Thanks for helping, Dean.” He gives him a warm smile as he goes back to the couch. 

No doubt about it, Dean was a horrible person in a previous life, and oh, is he paying for it now.

He gets a small reprieve when Cas says he has “writer’s block” and they go out shopping for Christmas. They watch and listen as people try to find the perfect gifts (one guy lamenting about gift cards cracks Cas up, and a boy who’s clutching a stuffed duck from one of those build-it-yourself toy stores looks like he already has what he wants and it melts Dean’s heart). Cas meanders, as is his norm, and ends up in the intimates section, holding up a pair of pink cotton panties that say “Angel” in black script across the ass. “Think Ryder would look good in these?” he asks.

Dean wants to sink into a hole and bury himself.

So, of course, Cas keeps it up.

At Williams-Sonoma, a fancy kitchen store, he picks up a whisk and says, in a low, growly voice like Ryder’s, “Hey, Killian, I feel like whipping something.”

At Hot Topic, he makes the stuffed versions of Killian and Ryder kiss.

At Lush, a bath and body store, he picks up a hunk of soap and pretends to rub it all over his ass, whispering, “Killian made me _ so dirty_.” The name of the soap? _ Outback Mate_.

Dean glares as Cas smiles, scrunching his nose, and adds a bar of _ Good Day Sunshine _ to his hands, then saunters to the register. 

_ Fuck my life. _

Despite Cas’ constant teasing that does nothing to dampen his attraction to the guy, they have a good time, and even manage to get some shopping done. When they get home, they down some breakfast for dinner and watch some TV. Cas doesn’t do any writing, and Dean doesn’t do any reading. It’s nice.

Cas settles a heavy blanket around them and leans in, resting on him. That’s nice, too. They haven’t done this sort of casual intimacy in a long time. Dean has missed it. He knows it’s on him, because he’s shied away from it, the longing it brings up too difficult to bear sometimes. But tonight, he bears it, because as much as it hurts to be close to him like this, it also feels damn good. 

And for a little while, just like fic, he can lose himself in it and pretend it’s his.

***

Tonight’s the night.

Of course, he’s been saying that for several nights now. But this time, he means it.

It’s a good night, just a couple of nights before Christmas. It’s snowing. The tree is lit. Presents are wrapped. They’re both done work for the rest of December. Dean’s in a great mood, his belly full of one of his favorite meals (Cas has made dinner every night for the past several nights, and if Dean suspects anything, he hasn’t said). Cas read it through, and the story won’t take long to read. Even less time if Dean doesn’t read it all the way through.

He’s worried, though. What if Dean doesn’t respond favorably? What if he’s downright pissed about the whole thing, thinking Cas knew the entire time rather than just recently and was playing him? What if…

_ No. Just do it. You’ll survive, he’ll survive, and God willing, your friendship will survive. And hopefully, this will be the start of something incredible. _

While Dean puts the leftovers away, Cas posts the story that he hopes changes everything for the better.

They start watching a made-for-TV movie about a mechanic who gets her grumpy boss and her best friend together through deception and mistaken identity. It’s cute, and usually Dean’s sort of thing, but he keeps glancing at his phone and the red notification number on his email icon. It’s probably a notification for his story. He notices (now that he knows to notice) that Dean usually reads them pretty soon after they’re posted. 

“I’m going to head to my room,” Cas says, trying to be casual. “I need to get my smut on tonight.” _ Wouldn’t that be nice_, he adds to himself, side-eyeing his friend.

Dean snorts, but looks quite happy to have an excuse to go. “Yeah, I’ve seen this movie before. They trick her into thinking they never met, but they did, and he proposes to her friend in the end.”

“Aww. That’s nice. You like those happy endings.”

“Shut up.” Dean jostles him as they go into the bathroom to brush their teeth. 

Cas was going to leave it at that, but Dean’s been his best friend for years, so he can’t resist teasing him by adding “I’m gonna give Killian a happy ending with Ryder’s ass” when both of their mouths are filled with toothpaste. Dean spews minty foam all over the mirror and sink, and toothpaste squirts between Cas’ teeth and drools down his chin as he laughs. 

“You’re such an ass,” Dean chokes out between giggles and swishes of water.

“I have a nice ass? Thank you.”

He didn’t think Dean could get any redder, but he was wrong. “Shut up. Good night, you menace.”

“Good night, Dean,” he says, watching him fondly and adding a silent _ I love you _ as he leaves. He hopes that, soon, he’ll be watching him fondly as he returns and saying the words aloud.

***

Dean’s so excited.

_ The most personal, most important one_, KilliansHusband called it. It’s gonna be good.

The notification stared at him, taunted him. He didn’t want to run out on their movie, and certainly not on Cas, but he was pumped to read the latest KilliansHusband story and, hell, if he couldn’t be lucky in love, at least he wanted to read about it. 

Once he’s safely enclosed in his room, he breathes a sigh. Friggin’ Cas and his friggin’ teasing. The sex stuff he’s used to now, but the happy endings thing...yeah, he _ is _ a sucker for those. He wants one (and not _ that _ sort of happy ending, though he’s not opposed to having that _ also_). He hears Cas‘ bedroom door close, so he feels fairly confident that he won’t be barging in here to ask him questions about sex positions or synonyms for semen. He changes into his rattiest t-shirt and sweatpants and opens his e-mail, seeing the familiar red Archive of Our Own banner.

_ [AO3] KilliansHusband posted A Million Words _

Oh, yeah. New fic.

Dean reads fic for all sorts of reasons—because he loves reading, because he loves seeing his favorite characters in all sorts of situations that The Powers That Be won’t put them in, because he likes to escape real life sometimes, and because he likes to interact with the authors. He also reads it because it’s healing, and it gives him hope. 

He could use a little healing and hope right about now. And if his favorite author says this is gonna be good, he trusts him.

So Dean settles against his pillow, bottle of water by his side, and starts:

**A Million Words**

**KilliansHusband**

Summary: Ryder Hartwood has a few secrets: He drinks orange juice straight from the container. He writes heartfelt fan fiction. And he’s in love with his best friend, Killian Montgomery. 

He’s not sure how to tell him, but he figures fanfic might be a good place to start.

Dean sits back and laughs. _ Wow. _ He’s read other fics that involved fanfic, but none quite like this. He wonders if this is the author’s attempt to show his friend that he’s in love with him. It’s a great way to do it. Confessing his love like this, with his writing talent? Dean would swoon. Not that Dean has ever swooned. But in this case, he thinks he would.

_ Ah, KilliansHusband, my friend, we’re gonna have a good chat in the comments. If you’re not too busy fucking your best friend to answer, that is. _

He tries not to think about it as he starts reading:

_ Ryder found out about Killian’s fanfic obsession quite by accident. _

_ Surprisingly, it wasn’t because he discovered him on Tumblr, Twitter, or Discord. It wasn’t because he found an open tab on his computer. It was, simply, because he screamed. _

_ “No! Oh my God, no! Nooooo!” _

_ Ryder skidded across the wooden floor of their rented house and threw the door to Killian’s bedroom open. Without a thought, he ran to his side, frantically scanning him over. “Kils? What’s wrong?” _

_ And Killian confessed. _

_ And now he knows. _

_ And now he has a decision to make. _

_ Does he tell his best friend—the love of his life—that he writes fanfic? And that every single fic he’s ever written have all been about him? About them? _

Dean cocks his head. Huh. That’s crazy. It’s sort of like how Cas found out about his fanfic reading. So weird. Did he tell KilliansHusband about it? He doesn’t remember. It would be kind of cool if something that he said made it into one of KilliansHusband’s fics. 

He continues:

_ Killian seems more relaxed around the house since confessing to Ryder. He doesn’t go sneaking off into his room anymore, or hit the home button on his phone when he passes by. Instead, Killian sits on the couch and reads openly, laughing or scowling or pulling his face into a worried frown. It’s wonderful to see. Ryder understands the feeling from both sides—as a reader, he loves feeling the emotions right with the characters, and as a writer, he loves creating that twist, or using that turn of phrase, or foreshadowing that thing just right, eliciting the emotions of his readers. He loves making them FEEL. And as he watches Killian, he gets to see how it happens from the outside—how the emotions look as they flit across his face. He wonders what he’s reading. _

_ He wonders if he reads any of his work. _

_ There’s no way in hell he’ll ask. What if Killian has never heard of him and looks him up? Or worse, what if he HAS and doesn’t like his work? He understands that not everyone likes everything, but he’s pretty sure it would kill him to know that Killian doesn’t like his work, especially since he’s poured his heart and soul into it, all the things he’s ever wanted to say to his best friend. How many times has he said “I love you” to Killian in his fics? How many times has Killian said it back to him? How many times has he proposed, recited wedding vows, made love to him? He’s written over a million words about his love for Killian. If Kils thought his work was trash, he’d be heartbroken. _

_ And worse, if he figured out the underlying meaning and didn’t feel the same, he’d be...well. Heartbroken doesn’t even begin to describe it. _

_ He can’t ask. He won’t. _

_ He’ll write, and he’ll pine, as he has for years, because having some of Kils is better than none of him. _

Dean stops and takes a breath. How awful for KilliansHusband to feel this way. He hopes this guy he loves understands just how awesome KilliansHusband is and how much he loves him. He hopes the guy isn’t leading him on, and that he, in fact, feels the same way. What a story that would be—the fanfic writer and the fanfic reader, best friends who finally get their real-life happy ending. 

Dean reads on for a while, as Ryder describes his work and his process. The plot moves into their typical relationship banter and tension—_they’re always so oblivious, _ Dean thinks. And yet, no matter how many times he reads about their obliviousness, he loves it every time. _ Idiots in love _ is one of his favorite tags. _ Ryder and Killian need to use their words _ is another. Misunderstandings make for great fic. 

The plot thickens when Ryder finds out that Kils _ does _ read his work, and not only does he read his work, but he’s one of Killian’s favorite authors and they actually _ talk _ in the comments about their love lives, including the fact that Killian is in love with _ his _ best friend.

“Holy shit, I wonder if that’s true?” Dean murmurs. “If KilliansHusband has been talking to his friend in comments this entire time? That would be wild.” He knows that KilliansHusband talks to a lot of his readers in the comments, so it’s definitely not impossible. Dean decides he’s going to go back and read some of the comments to see if he can figure out which reader might be his friend. 

Not yet, though. After he’s finished the story. 

_ “Killian is in love with me,” Ryder murmurs to himself all week, whenever he thinks about it (which is often). He can hardly believe it. How did he get so lucky? God, they’ve wasted so much time by not talking about it. Well, he’s going to fix that, and soon. But he can wait just a little longer, because an amazing guy like Kils deserves an amazing love confession, one he’ll appreciate and remember for the rest of his life. And that’s just what he’s going to give him. _

_ “Any idiot can write fanfic,” Ryder scoffs at dinner one night. “Hell, _ ** _I _ ** _ can write fanfic.” Of course, he doesn’t really think that idiots write fanfic—that’s just to goad his friend. He may be in love with the guy, but that doesn’t mean he can’t poke at him. (Oh, would he like to poke at him. And maybe, soon, he can.) _

_ “If any idiot can write fanfic, then you certainly qualify,” Killian replies, a teasing grin on his face. There’s a fondness to it, too, that Ryder’s always seen, but now he knows exactly what to call it. Butterflies erupt into flight in his gut as he puts on a serious face. _

_ “Ha ha. I’ll prove it.” _

_ “Pfft. Can’t wait to see _ ** _this_**_.” _

_ Ryder shoots his friend a challenging, put-out glare, but inside he’s both giddy and nervous as hell. _

Dean stares at his screen. This all feels...familiar. But it can’t be. 

He really doesn’t remember telling KilliansHusband all this. But he must have, somewhere along the way, because it’s so similar to what Cas is doing. If, of course, Cas was an actual fanfic writer who was in love with him. 

But that’s definitely not true. He’s good at so many things, bless him, but Dean has a feeling that fanfic isn’t going to be one of them. He asked Dean for synonyms for “said,” for crying out loud, and was getting confused about how to differentiate between two men without overusing pronouns or names. Not that Dean himself knows a lot about that, of course, but he does know better than to call one of the characters “the Montgomery.” And from what Cas has read him so far, it sounds like there’s a lot of clothes-ripping and sex in unlikely places with little plot to carry it. 

Has to be coincidence. 

_ Now that Ryder is secure in the knowledge that Killian loves him, he figures he can have a little fun. So he plays up his “ignorance” to the hilt, pretending he doesn’t know the basics of writing and hitting him with scene after scene of explicit sex he pitches as “ideas,” just to make him squirm. _

_ “How’s this, Kils?” Ryder asks. He then proceeds to read him “excerpts” from what he’s “written” for his fictitious fic: _

_ “Oh, Devon, take me right here in the back of your classic car! I wanna put new tears in the upholstery...with my teeth.” _

_ “Devon, oh Devon, oh oh ohhhhh!” Cassidy shouts, jacking off in front of him as Devon watches helplessly, hog-tied with the silk ties Cassidy wears to work every day. _

_ “Fuck, Devon, you make me so dirty,” Cassidy moans, cleaning his ass of come and whipped cream. “You’re my dirty, dirty man.” _

_ And Ryder doesn’t stop with reading sex scenes. No. He also makes him act a few out. For “perspective.” _

_ “Now, I don’t know how this would go, given height difference, so could you help me figure out if Cassidy would need to stand on tiptoes to kiss Devon?” Ryder asks, pulling his best friend close. _

Dean nearly flings his phone across the room in surprise. There’s no way that’s a coincidence. 

_ God, how he’d love to kiss him right now. _

Dean gulps. 

_ But he has a plan. _

Dean licks his lips and keeps on reading, sipping small, shallow breaths through the fingers covering his mouth. It’s KilliansHusband’s usual brand of feels, sexual tension, and humor, but the scenes feel more and more like real life. _ His _ real life. With Cas. 

_ “I’m going to head to my room. Are you going to read all about the adventures of Devon and Cassidy?” _

_ “Ha ha, very funny,” Killian snorts, though there’s a telltale shine in his eyes that says he’s going to do just that. _

_ “Good night, then,” Ryder calls, adding a silent “I love you” as he always does. _

_ “Night,” Killian calls with a little wave. _

_ Ryder watches him disappear through the door. He goes to his room and sits in nervous silence, hoping for the best. _

The chapter ends. Dean’s eyes float down to the end note.

Notes: A cliffhanger! I know, I do it all the time. You can all come scream at me if you want, but honestly, I don’t know what happens next.

I’ve written you a million words, Rydhis_Hardwood. So you tell me: what happens next? <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I leave you hanging, too? Nah, not this time. 😘 It is a gift, after all.
> 
> As a fun little aside, I got the names of the fanfic characters from a couple of stories I wrote as a teenager. Apparently, I loved names that sounded cool and romantic. I can't believe I actually named a character Ryder Hartwood, lol! My husband has not let me live it down.
> 
> If you’re interested in seeing Cas’ pi t-shirt, find it [here](https://www.amazon.com/Pi-Shirt-Novelty-Gift-T-Shirt/dp/B07KWVGM1S)!  
If Dean’s pie t-shirt is more your thing, find it [here](https://www.crazydogtshirts.com/products/mens-fitness-apple-pie-in-my-mouth-tshirt-funny-thanksgiving-food-tee-for-guys?gclid=Cj0KCQjwrMHsBRCIARIsAFgSeI3A_NZuNzChcZbMMZT-ZRzXnVIpLNKhKsAXzWFWTAYFNZX_1f1qPMkaAumFEALw_wcB)!
> 
> Outback Mate is the name of a soap at Lush! (Or at least was at the time of this writing.) Check it out: [Outback Mate soap](https://www.lushusa.com/shower/bar-soap/outback-mate/06057.html)


	2. Chapter 2

Cas hears swearing. A bed frame squeaking. A door opening forcefully, banging into the wall. Feet scrambling.

And then, Dean is standing in his room.

“You...you’re KilliansHusband.”

Cas gives him a small nod and a tight-lipped smile to match. He’s not certain how Dean’s feeling about all this just yet.

“And you...you love me.”

“Yes. I do.”

“You...you knew all this ti—”

“No. Only since Thanksgiving night, when you told everyone your username. I put the pieces together and…” Cas shrugs, anxiously meeting Dean’s eyes. “Like I said in the story, I just wanted to make my love confession memorable to you.”

Dean bites his lip and shakes his head slowly, covering his eyes with his hand. His mouth spreads into a smile, then breaks open in laughter. He holds an arm out. “Oh my God. Come here, you menace.”

Cas laughs and stands from his bed, throwing himself into Dean’s chest and flinging his arms around his waist. He squeezes his eyes shut against the tears threatening to spill onto his cheeks. Dean’s arms wrap around his shoulders; his stuttered breath puffs against his neck. He can’t tell if Dean is laughing, crying, or both. “Dean?”

Dean sniffles. “Asshole, teasing me like that,” he manages, his voice watery but clearly affectionate. Cas relaxes his shoulders and holds him tighter. 

Eventually, Dean pulls back. “You’re really in love with me?”

Cas nods, resting his hands on his hips. “I’m really in love with you. For a long time now.”

He thought he’d seen Dean smile before, but he’d never seen this—a wide swath of teeth, nearly splitting his face in two, with a perfect set of crinkly, sparkling eyes to complement it. “I’m in love with you, too. For a long time now. But I guess you figured that out.”

“It’s one thing to see it in print under a pseudonym, but another to hold you and hear you say the words.” Cas strokes his cheek. “I like this much better. This ‘words’ thing really works for me.”

“Me too.” Dean grins. “Guess the tag for this love story would be _ Castiel and Dean need to use their words_.” 

“That sounds right,” Cas grins back. “Um, and maybe _ First Kiss_?”

“I love that tag,” Dean murmurs, then leans in until their lips meet. 

It feels just as he thought it would, just as he wrote it so many times—thrilling, heady, and like he’s finally right where he should be. He slides his tongue along Dean’s lips, then hums as his best friend lets him inside, both of them smiling into it. It reminds him of all the times he stood on Dean’s doorstep before they moved in together, and of the way the door would fly open and Dean would be there, smiling and excited, as if he couldn’t wait to see him. The feeling was certainly mutual then, as it is now. 

Finally, they pull apart, breathing against each other’s mouths as they rest their foreheads together. 

“No tiptoes needed,” Cas says.

Dean chuckles and lands a soft kiss on his upper lip. “This is...wow. So, what, um...what do we do now?”

_ Anything and everything. _ “Anything and everything. Or nothing. Whatever you want.”

“I want it all, Cas.”

“Me too, Dean.”

“Yeah? Like...all of it?”

Cas rolls his eyes. “Yes, Dean. Holding hands, cuddling, fighting, domestic shit, hot sex. All of it. Just don’t sacrifice your life for me or something. People don’t come back from the dead here.”

Dean smiles, biting his lip. “And...and you don’t want to, um, wait?”

“Only if you want to. I was ready yesterday.”

“Well, I was ready the day before yesterday, so...just didn’t wanna scare you if you weren’t ready.”

“Like I said, I’m more than ready. I do have to warn you about something, though.”

Dean raises his brows. “What’s that?”

“Unlike Ryder, I don’t have six pack abs hiding under this shirt.”

“Well, my cock wants you, bad, but it probably won’t throb and quiver.”

They burst into laughter, shoving each other’s shirts up and over their heads as their resume making out. 

***

Fanfic, even KilliansHusband’s fanfic, never quite captured how it would feel to make love with his best friend. 

Yeah, Dean doesn’t usually use terms like “make love.” To him, it’s “have sex” or “fuck” or “do it” or “ride the beast” (okay, he’s never used that one). But this can’t be called anything else. 

It did start a lot more awkwardly than he thought it would when he imagined it. He thought it would be easy to just give in to their lust, that they wouldn’t be able to hold themselves back. But instead, once they were on Cas’ bed, they just sort of...looked for a while. They weren’t sure where or what they could touch, and even when they both said that everything and everywhere was okay, they still hesitated. 

“It’s strange to be able to touch you like this,” Cas whispered to him. Dean was relieved to hear that. 

“We could sort of mirror each other, like in that one fic you wrote,” he suggested. 

“Okay, yeah, that might help.”

“See? People do learn stuff from fanfic.”

Cas smiled at him so softly at that, Dean could’ve forgotten all about touching him. Well, maybe not. He really wanted to touch him. So they mirrored each other, and it was slow, gentle, and relaxing, easing them from shy touches into fun grabs into heated strokes. 

They talked, too, which doesn’t happen a lot in fanfic (nobody wants to read about _ talking _ during sex, pfft). As they explored each other, they talked about how they each fell in love and how scared they were that they’d ruin things by telling each other (and how often is _ that _ used in fanfic, Dean had said, though when Cas rebutted that it’s used because it’s a common fear that people can relate to, he had to agree). 

The careful touches and the talking were both making love, really. There’s nothing else to call it. And now, they continue to make love as they find their rhythm, emotionally and physically, Cas pushing into him as he keeps his eyes right on Dean’s face. Dean never understood why Killian always cried at some point in Cas’ (_Cas’!_) fics, particularly during sex, but now...yup, he gets it. His nose prickles. His eyes burn. His vision blurs. 

“Stop it, you’re gonna make me…” Cas trails off, leaning his weight on one elbow to wipe his face. “Damn.”

“Hey, I can't be the only one,” Dean defends himself. “’Sides, all your stories seem to imply that it’s okay for dudes to cry.”

“It _ is_, just...I’m an ugly crier, okay? I get all blotchy and congested and then snot runs out before I can catch it and that is _ not _ how I want our first time to be. Or any time.”

Dean nods as seriously as he can muster until he breaks. “Cas,” he laughs, “You’ve drooled on me in your sleep. You pissed on yourself and me when we were drunk. You had food poisoning and I had almost _ every one _ of your bodily fluids on me. So a little snot isn’t scaring me away.” Cas nods, but still turns away and swipes at his nose. Dean can tell he’s embarrassed, and he isn’t having it. He grabs Cas’ face and rubs it all over his, tears and whatever else streaking across it. 

“Oh! Ugh! Dean!”

“I want it all, baby!” he crows.

Cas giggles, shoving his face. “You’re an idiot.” 

“Idiots in love, that’s us. Idiots in teary, snotty love.”

“Gross,” he mutters, but he’s smiling, so that’s all that matters. “All this talk about bodily fluids is making me lose my erection, Dean.”

“Well, see, I can fix that.” He smooths Cas’ sweat-damp, tousled hair away from his face, then lets his hands travel down his neck, his shoulders, his torso, ending with two handfuls of ass that he squeezes hard. 

Cas smirks, then licks his lips and just...stares. The smirk softens, his eyes go dewy, and his thumb strokes Dean’s cheek tenderly. 

Dean’s vision goes blurry again. This is everything he’s dreamed of having with his best friend. “I love you, Cas.”

“I love you, too.” He says it so simply, so matter-of-factly, as if he’s said it a thousand times…as if he…

“Do you really say ‘I love you’ to me every night? Like you said in your story?”

Cas nods.

Dean takes his hands from his ass and threads them through his hair. “C’mere,” he whispers, pulling Cas to his lips.

With a little more lube and some dirty talk that Cas is _ really _ good at, they’re both hard and wanting once again. Dean can’t decide if he likes Cas’ voice in his ear, his hand on his cock, or his cock in his ass the best, but all three of them drive him to the point of no return, and he falls over the edge with a shout, eyes slamming shut as he grips Cas’ hair tightly. As he comes down, he squeezes his ass around Cas’ cock in small pulses, pulling him over the edge to join him in his love-drunk, fucked-out stupor.

***

Cas wakes to Dean’s stale breath in his face. He’s snoring lightly. Cas wonders if they’ll turn into “that” couple, where Dean denies he snores and Cas spends his nights nudging Dean to roll over and shut up so he can sleep.

He hopes so.

Dean’s limbs are wrapped around him, making Cas uncomfortably warm and cramped. Every time he tries to move out of Dean’s grasp for much-needed air and blood circulation, though, Dean tightens his hold. _ Maybe this is what tentacles would feel like_. He snorts at his train of thought. Fic is never far from his mind. 

Dean peeks at him through squinty eyes. “What’re you laughing about?”

“Oh, just thinking of my next fic. Ryder is a human, Killian is a tentacle creature, cue hot tentacle sex and even hotter tentacle cuddling that makes Ryder sweat and his extremities go numb.”

“I’d read that,” Dean rumbles, not getting the clue Cas is trying to give.

“Dean. I can’t feel my arm.”

“Sorry, sorry,” he says, backing up, then getting to his feet. “Actually, gotta piss. Be right back.”

“Did I really need to know that?”

Dean turns in the doorway. “We’ve shared all our bodily fluids now. You have to know everything. In fact, we should have some sort of psychic bond now.”

“A _ profound bond_, maybe?” Cas asks with an exaggerated wink, knowing Dean will understand the Ryllian reference.

Cas doesn’t have time to prepare. He’s grateful for the soft bedding under him as Dean tackles him, peppering him with loud, silly kisses on his cheeks and neck. “The profoundest, baby.”

“Not that I’m complaining,” Cas laughs, purring at the feeling of Dean’s lips on his neck, “but I thought you had to pee.”

“I really do,” he says, pained.

“Go. I'm not going anywhere.”

With another quick kiss, Dean leaps off the bed and bolts out the door. Cas hears a crash and an “I’m okay!” before a door slams shut, and he snickers as he stretches and dons a t-shirt and sweatpants. 

Clearly, Dean needs coffee. 

As he’s pouring the coffee, already made thanks to a timer on the coffeemaker, Dean calls, “Hey! You went somewhere!”

He doesn’t answer, letting the coffee speak for him when he returns to the bedroom.

“God, I love you,” Dean murmurs, making grabby hands.

“Are you speaking to me or the coffee?”

“Yes.”

Cas chuckles, kissing him between his brows. He climbs in and sits on the other side of the bed so he can reach his coffee. Dean frowns. “C’mere,” he says, holding out his arm. “I’ll hand you your cup, or we’ll share. Just want you close, now that I can.”

They snuggle, quiet sips and the tinkling of the heating system the only sounds made in the cozy space for some time. Cas would have no problem spending their entire day this way, but he knows they have things to do. Their families will be here tomorrow, so they have to clean and buy groceries and do last-minute errands. Reality will intrude, as it always does. But at least being with Dean will no longer be just a fantasy.

Breaking the quiet, Dean asks, “So, fanfic. How’d you get into it?”

“I had this idea for how I thought _ Deja Vu _ should end, and I wanted to get it out of my head, you know? Someone told me about fanfiction, I checked it out, wrote my first fic, and there was no turning back.”

“I didn’t even know you could write. Always thought of you as a numbers guy.”

“Just because I’m good with numbers doesn’t mean I can’t write.”

“You’re the whole package, baby.”

Cas smirks. “Why, thank you, Dean.” 

Taking his hand, Dean smiles. “Seriously. You’re really talented.”

“Thank you, hon.” He pauses. Pet names when they aren’t joking around are new territory. “Uh, I mean, is that—”

“I love it, sweetheart.”

Cas relaxes. “Good. So, we’ll tell everyone? Our friends, our families?”

“Yeah, of course. Though honestly, I don’t think anyone’s gonna be surprised.”

“I think you’re right.”

Dean sips his coffee, then hands it to Cas. “So, you think of me when you write?”

“Yes. You’re the inspiration for my fics,” Cas answers, sipping from the mug before returning it to Dean. 

“So, all the romantic, gushy stuff?”

“Mmm.”

“And the sex?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“That’s so fucking hot.”

Cas chuckles.

“Soooo...could we act out some of ‘em?”

“What, the sex scenes? Which ones?”

“Umm…”

Cas tilts his head to see Dean’s face. He’s blushing. For a guy who’s so confident on the surface, he can get flustered quite easily. Cas takes advantage of this as he takes the cup from Dean’s hands and places it on the end table, then drags him into a prone position and straddles him. “Tell me,” he rumbles. “I want to know.”

Dean’s eyes widen. He licks his lips. Cas rubs circles around his nipples and waits. 

“Um, well. Um, the regular stuff, obviously.”

“Obvs.”

They smile at each other at the shortened word.

“Um...there was one where Ryder dressed up like Indiana Jones. That was cool. The nurse thing, too.”

“I always imagined you’d like roleplay.”

“Oh yeah. Uh, Killian giving Ryder the handjob in the bathroom.”

“A classic.”

“Yeah. Outside sex?”

“A given.”

Dean moans. Cas smiles devilishly.

“Fucking in the car before work?”

“We can try.”

“Invisible sex? Exhibitionism?”

“I don’t think I can pull invisibility off, but we could blindfold you and I can watch you get yourself off.”

Dean wipes his brow, and Cas doesn’t blame him, because he is all aboard on that one himself. 

“Fuck. Okay. Um…”

Dean fidgets and looks away. Cas turns his face to him with a finger. “Dean, you don’t have to be shy with me. I’ve thought of us in every situation I’ve written.”

“Okay,” he breathes. “Comeplay?”

“Yes, definitely.”

“How about a little...you know, with the ties or a scarf or something?”

“A little light bondage?” Cas chuckles. “Yes.”

Dean licks his lips and nods. “Um, some of the dates were cool, too. You know—picnics, the sensory thing, stargazing and poetry. Hell, even dancing’s okay.”

“Yeah?” Cas leans down and softly presses his lips to Dean’s. “Is my best friend into real-life romance?”

Dean pouts. “Don’t tease me.”

“I’m not. Much.” Cas grins, then spreads himself over Dean’s body and nuzzles his nose. “I like romance too, you know. I have all sorts of ideas.”

“Yeah? Tell me a story.”

“Okay. _ Cas and Dean were deliriously happy now that they were finally together, and Cas wanted to celebrate. So he took him on a romantic date. He brought him a lollipop bouquet because he’s so sweet, and he got Dean’s car detailed. Then he drove them to a little cabin by a lake, and they had a candlelit picnic on the sand. Then he told Dean that he wanted him to take him inside the cabin and rail him with his hot, throbbing cock until the bed broke. So Dean did. _ There. How was that?”

“Best story ever,” Dean growls, flipping him over and making Cas lose his words.

***

_ “Ry, please don’t leave me. Ryder? Ryder!” _

_ Ryder stares dully at Killian, wanting to tell him everything he feels in his heart, everything he should have told him years ago. _

_ And now, as he feels the black squeezing all around him, he realizes it’s too late. _

_ “Ryder! No!” Killian screams, his heart writhing in agony as Ryder’s dying body slumps heavily in his arms. _

“Cas, you son of a bitch!” Dean shouts, reaching the end of the chapter. He marches from their bedroom to his old bedroom, now Cas’ office, where Cas is working on the final push for tax season and munching on a sandwich Dean made him so he wouldn’t pass out. 

The bastard has the audacity to look over his shoulder and smirk. “Problem, hon?”

“Oh, you _ know _ what the problem is. Fix it!”

“Hon, I can’t just ‘fix it.’ Ryder died. I think.”

“No! He can’t die!”

“But he did. I think.”

“You have the next chapter written already! You know what happens!”

Cas throws his hands up and shrugs in the most sorry-not-sorry way Dean’s ever seen. “I guess we’ll find out next week.”

“Gaaaah! That’s it, no sex for you until you fix this!” Dean storms out and hears Cas laugh. Dean, despite himself, cracks a smile. Both of them know that Dean isn’t that strong. He’ll give in the second Cas calls him “baby” and flashes those blue orbs of temptation at him.

Charlie, bless her, texts him just before he can turn around and tell Cas he didn’t mean it and please don’t keep the handcuffs from him, sir. 

_ To Dean 9:44pm: Kinda hating Cas right now. _

Cas revealed his secret to their friends and family (he sort of had to, in order to tell them how they finally got their heads out of their asses and got together). Everyone’s been really supportive.

Well, except when Cliffhanger Cas strikes.

_ To Charlie 9:44pm: Right??? Asshole. _

_ To Dean 9:44pm: I blame you. _

_ To Charlie 9:45pm: Me??? I’m pissed too! How could he just LEAVE IT LIKE THAT? _

_ To Dean 9:45pm: I blame you because you’re supposed to be able to control your man _

_ To Charlie 9:46pm: Oh shut up _

_ To Dean 9:46pm: lol ;P _

_ To Dean 9:46pm: So, even though I’m crazy mad at Cas, I have everything ready for Sat. The last deet fell into place today. _

Dean blows out a hard breath as his palms start to sweat.

_ To Charlie 9:47pm: Okay. Good. _

_ To Dean 9:47pm: It’s gonna be fine. _

_ To Charlie 9:48pm: Easy for you to say. _

_ To Dean 9:48pm: Because I know. See you then. Tell Cas I’m mad at him. _

_ To Charlie 9:48pm: Will do. _

“Cas! Charlie’s mad at you!” Dean shouts from the kitchen as he pours himself a bedtime snack of cereal.

“Okay! Thanks!” the bastard shouts back.

_ God, I love him. _

On Saturday, Dean gives Cas a lame excuse that Cas completely buys because it’s his first free weekend since tax season ended. He could be surrounded by a ring of fire and Mr. Comatose would sleep right through it, poor guy. Dean feels bad for his boyfriend, but Cas sleeping for most of the day works for him, because his plan takes some time to set up. 

When everything and everyone is ready, he heads home to pick up Cas...who’s still sleeping. 

“Sweetheart?”

“Uh?”

“Time to get up.”

“Nuh.”

“Yes,” he laughs, though it’s more nervous laughter than amusement. He really hopes Cas isn’t going to give him a hard time. “It’s four in the afternoon. We have dinner reservations at five.”

“Whyyyyy? I’m...fuckin’ exhausted.”

“I know, babe, but it’s for Eileen’s birthday. Come on. Eileen’s birthday. You love Eileen.”

“I can love her tomorruh...tomorr…”

_ Shit. _ “Ah, no no no, bud. No more sleeping. You’ll be up all night. Up. Now.”

“Ungh.”

“Up.”

With a huge sigh, Cas whips the covers off and slogs out of the room toward the bathroom. Dean breathes a huge sigh of his own when he hears the shower running. He jumps in with him, washing just enough so he won’t be a disaster when everything goes down—or he won’t look like one, at least.

He jumps when Cas kisses the nape of his neck as he cups his ass.

“No time, babe, sorry,” Dean says, stepping out before Cas can start anything. 

Cas sticks his head out. “No time? Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?”

“I jush don wanna dishappoine Eiween,” Dean explains around his toothbrush. He spits. “Hurry up.”

He ignores the questioning look he knows Cas is giving him.

He’s already dressed and combing his hair when Cas comes into the bedroom to dress. “You put my clothes out for me?” Cas asks, gesturing to the bed. It’s his favorite outfit on Cas—tight jeans and a sapphire shirt that accentuates both his eyes _ and _ those freaking arms he’s been working on.

“Yes. Put it on and let’s go.”

“You’re dressing me now? What are we, married?”

Panic explodes in Dean’s chest. “What? No! Just helping! What, is something wrong with being helpful? Or with being married? Huh?”

“Wh—what?”

The look on Cas’ face tells Dean he’s definitely overreacting right now. “Nothing, nothing, just don’t wanna be late. Can we go?”

“Oooooookay. I’ll be right out. Promise.”

_ Great. Now he’s suspicious. _ Dean doesn’t have time to think about it too much, though, because Cas makes good on his promise and is by his side in short order, and _ hell_, does he look _ hot_. “Looks good,” Dean manages to say without giving Cas more reason to question his sanity. 

“Figured you’d think so. You did choose the clothing.”

“Wasn’t talking about the clothes. Was talking about you. And you are definitely the best choice I ever made,” Dean replies, kissing Cas’ cheek and patting himself on the back for stringing a smooth bunch of words together out of his chaotic brain. “Let’s go.”

***

Dean is acting strange, even for him, but when they pull up to the elementary school he works at instead of a restaurant, he knows something’s up. “Dean? Did you forget something at work?”

“No, just...come on.”

Raising his brows, Cas follows.

Lights are on, which is odd for a Saturday evening unless there’s an event, which there isn’t because Dean would already be here for it if there was. “Dean? What—”

“Shh.” Dean cradles his face and kisses him. “I wanna tell you a story.”

Cas’ eyes widen, but he stays quiet. Dean opens a side door, then guides Cas to step in before him. Eileen is waiting there, holding an iPad.

“Hello, Eileen,” Cas says, signing and speaking aloud. 

“Hello, Cas.” She smiles and turns the tablet to face him. His parents and Dean’s parents are on the screen, in video boxes. They wave. He waves back.

Cas looks at Dean, who simply licks his lips and smiles, so he turns back to Eileen for some sort of help understanding what’s going on. She hands the tablet to Dean, then begins to read from a slip of typed paper:

_ “Us”, by Dean Winchester. Tags: Pining, Falling in Love, Friends to Lovers, Feels, Fluff, Everyone ships Castiel and Dean, Roommates, They were roommates!, Proposals, Happy Ending _

Castiel gasps at the word “proposals.” His head whips around to Dean again, but Dean is keeping his eyes firmly fixed on Eileen, so Cas turns back to her.

_ Summary: Dean loved Castiel for years. When he finally got to be with him, he never wanted to let him go. So he told him a story and asked him a question. He just hoped Castiel said yes. _

She finishes with a smile and a kiss to his cheek, then takes the tablet from Dean and holds it for Cas to see. 

Dean’s parents speak:

_ Once upon a time, there was a boy named Dean, a boy who wanted nothing more than to love and be loved in return. He loved his family and he loved his friends, especially his best friend, Castiel Novak. _

_ Castiel Novak, _ Cas’ parents continue, _ was also a boy who wanted nothing more than to love and be loved in return. He loved his family and he loved his friends, especially his best friend, Dean Winchester. _

The parents then recite together: _ All their parents ever wanted for them was to be happy. And they were, with each other. _

Cas can already feel tears welling in his eyes. 

Eileen steps aside and Dean leads Cas to one of the classrooms. It’s set up just like Dean’s childhood bedroom, with a “bed” made of desks but covered by the same forest green comforter Cas remembers and a few posters—three of artists he used to listen to, and one of a scantily clad model. Cas snorts, then melts when he sees Sam and his brother Gabe standing there. Gabe lives hours away, and he hasn’t seen him since Christmas. They share a smile, and then Sam jumps in:

_ Cas and Dean spent all their time together, either at school or at each other’s houses. Sam often heard them laughing and hoped he’d find a best friend that made him as happy as Cas made Dean. _

Gabe takes over, reading: _ Gabe loved teasing his little brother Cas about how much he hung out with Dean, but secretly, he loved seeing Cas smile the way he smiled whenever he was around his best friend. _

_ All their brothers ever wanted was for them to be happy. And they were, with each other, _Sam and Gabe read in unison. 

Cas hugs them both, then wipes away a tear as he’s led to another classroom, this one set up to look like the Roadhouse, where they spent a lot of time in their college years with their friends (and still do, though some of the faces have changed). Jo and Charlie grin at Cas and wiggle their fingers.

Charlie starts: _ Cas and Dean wanted to stay together so much that they went to the same college together. They partied, they studied, they made friends. People often asked their friends if they were a couple. On the rare occasions when one of them was dating someone, it felt wrong, because they just belonged together. _

Jo picks up the story: _ Even after college, when most people drift apart, Cas and Dean remained together, renting an apartment and getting their first jobs. And though lots of things changed, two things remained the same: people often asked their friends if they were a couple, and Cas and Dean just belonged together. _

_ All their friends ever wanted was for them to be happy. And they were, with each other, _the women finish together.

Cas is crying openly now and barely feels his feet move as Dean shuffles him down the hall. Some instrumental music is following them; it’s familiar, but he can’t place it. Dean stops him at the cafeteria doors. “I love you,” he whispers, wiping Cas’ cheeks and a wet spot above his lip. He opens the doors, and Cas gasps.

Hearts—there must be hundreds—are hanging from the ceiling, clearly colored by little hands. Along with them are tiny white lights, making a starry backdrop. The tables are moved against the walls, leaving a large, open space on the floor covered with artificial turf and artificial snow. It’s a replica of their first official date. Dean guides him to this space, and their family and friends circle them. He takes a piece of paper from his pocket and unfolds it, holding it in one hand and holding Cas’ hand in the other.

_ Dean Winchester_, Dean starts, a quiver in his voice, _ loved Castiel Novak for years. He loved him when they were both awkward high school students. He loved him when they were both less awkward college students. He loved him when they became full-fledged adults—or when Cas did, anyway. Dean’s still working on it. _

Cas and everyone around them chuckle.

_ Dean always loved Cas. And one day—he’s not quite sure when—Dean fell in love with Cas. He was scared to tell him, because telling risked everything, and how do you risk the most precious thing in your life? _

_ So he remained in his state of pining, happy to have Cas in whatever way he could. But he couldn’t help dreaming of more—sex, of course, because if you saw Cas, you’d wanna have sex with him, too— _

Everyone bursts into laughter. Cas squeezes Dean’s hand, and Dean squeezes back, his worried look softening.

_ —but more than that, Dean wanted all the little things that made a beautiful life. He wanted to massage Cas’ shoulders after a hard day at the office. He wanted to share those weird cauliflower crust pizzas he eats. He wanted to hold his hand, to comfort him, to laugh with him, to do all the things they already did, but with that glow of _ ** _more_ ** _ that happy couples all around them had. _

_ And then, one day, Cas wrote him a story and asked him what happened next. _

_ Dean answered. _

_ It was the greatest love story ever told. _

Cas giggles. Dean winks and sticks his tongue through his teeth before he grows serious again.

_ And it wasn’t over yet. _

_ At the end of the story that Cas wrote, Ryder told Killian that a million words would never be enough to tell him how he felt about him, and Killian told him he only needed three: I love you. Dean understood Ryder’s predicament, because a million words would never be enough for Dean to tell Cas how he felt about him. And since he wasn’t good with words anyway, he hoped a little symbolism would do the trick. _

The typed page floats to the floor as Dean lets it go and sticks his hand in his pocket again. He pulls out a ring, and though Cas knew from the “tags” what was going to happen, he still crumbles when Dean drops to one knee.

“Castiel Novak, I love you, and all I want for the rest of my life is to be happy together as husbands. So tell me, what happens next? Will you say the one word that will give this story a happy ending? Will you marry me? No cliffhangers, please.”

Cas laughs through his ugly crying as he drops to his knees. “Yes.”

As they embrace and kiss, the music swells and the small group around them begins to sing. “Every good proposal has to have a romantic song with it,” Dean explains about the song, which Cas now recognizes as “I Choose You,” the song they danced to on that cold first date, the stars above them and the headlights of Dean’s car lighting the snowy patch of grass in the park.

He sniffles. “I’m not sure that’s strictly required,” he says, though he absolutely loves his boyfr—his _ fiancé’s _thoughtfulness.

“It is in this story. Besides, you love music in your stories. Now, dance with me, sweetheart.”

Smiling indulgently at his romantic fiancé, Cas stands with Dean and rests in his arms, mouthing the words _ I choose you _ as Dean kisses his temple, his hair, his face. Their eyes meet and hold each other, just as their arms do, as Dean sways Cas in circles on the fake grass and sings softly:

_ My whole heart _

_ Will be yours forever _

_ This is a beautiful start _

_ To a lifelong love letter _

Cas sighs happily. He can’t wait to write a lifelong love letter with Dean.

***

“I guess you really will be KilliansHusband now, kind of, huh?” Dean asks Cas the morning after their engagement. He glances at the adorable bedhead of his fiancé and ruffles it.

“Hmm, I suppose I will, in a sense.”

“Mmm. You gonna write about it?” Dean’s grown used to Cas using their lives as fodder for his fanfic (though he doesn’t always take Dean’s helpful suggestions, which Cas calls “less than helpful” even though Dean thinks they’re funny as hell). 

“Write about what? The way you proposed? Or the sex afterward?”

“Uh, maybe we’ll keep the sex to ourselves,” Dean says, blushing. It was a night he’d never forget, but he didn’t necessarily want others knowing the details.

“Probably best,” Cas grins, pecking him on the cheek. “I don’t think I’ll use our proposal for a fic, but I would like to share it on Twitter and Tumblr, if that’s okay. People sort of know us now.”

“Yeah, of course.” 

Cas plants another kiss on his nose. “Thank you. Do you know my readers have tried to give us a ship name based on our usernames?”

“What? No. What’ve they come up with?”

“Rydhis_Husband is the most popular one.”

Dean snorts. “I like it. And it’ll make a lot of sense now.”

“True.”

“Your readers are so awesome.”

“I think so. One in particular.” 

Dean pulls him into a kiss. “Hmm. Well, you are my favorite author.”

“Mmm.”

“And as my favorite author, and as your favorite reader, I think you—”

“No hints about the next chapter.”

“Come on! They’re finally gonna have sex, right?”

“You’ll have to wait and see.”

“Ugh. This is the slowest burn ever.”

“You don’t have to read it.”

“But I love it.”

“Then you’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

“Damn you.”

Cas laughs and takes him in his arms. “Why don’t you show me exactly what you’d like them to do, and I’ll take it under advisement?”

And when Ryder and Killian _ do _ have sex (three chapters later), Rydhis_Hardwood is given credit for his “contributions” to the chapter. And Rydhis_Hardwood gives KilliansHusband kudos for a job well done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their sweet first date/proposal song is “I Choose You” by Sara Bareilles:  
[I Choose You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjE5D9cHiOk)
> 
> See the next chapter for all the references to my previous fics if you’re interested!
> 
> I'll be back soon with more Destiel fic. Stay tuned. XOXO
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and for all of your love! ❤️❤️❤️


	3. Fic References

Every one of my published fics on AO3 is referenced in this story! For those playing along at home, here are the stories and references that were made:

[Deja Vu](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10559764): The name of the TV show upon which Cas’ fics are based; Carwyn (The Lifeforce) is mentioned  
[Undating](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10762782): Two men jousting with mops in the grocery aisle; Indiana Jones roleplay  
[Mixtape for My Teenage Crush](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11504100): Cas listens to one of their songs when he’s writing; Cas talks about the singers being engaged  
[Every Job Is Important](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11708262): Cas sees the sanitation workers coming around and finds one of them attractive  
[Castielle](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11840700): They watch a movie about a mechanic who gets her boss and her best friend together  
[We Are Not Poets](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12232062): Dean has a crush on the cute astrophysicist online; Cas overhears someone ranting about gift cards at the mall; clever/funny t-shirt  
[Bicker](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12542312): Cas eats gluten-free  
[Death Is Such a Lonely Place Without You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12964359): One of Cas’ fanfics (Killian tells Ryder he won’t be alone, even in death)  
[The Waiter and the Businessman](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13067724): Cas and Dean go to a diner and see their usual waiter serving a businessman pie; Nora says they’ve been dancing around their attraction  
[Listen](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12816609): ASL interpreter at a karaoke night; handjob in the bathroom  
[My New York Valentine](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13628046): Lollipop bouquet mentioned as part of the story Cas tells Dean  
[The Agreement](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13387479): Description of how scared Dean was when Cas had food poisoning; Dean bringing Cas his mom’s homemade soup  
[Just a One-Night Stand](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13386972): Cas is an accountant; mention of food poisoning; use of Hottie to describe Dean; making the bed break with enthusiastic sex  
[Class Couple](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14871441): The sweet and simple fic that Dean reads about teenagers who petition to be class couple  
[The Period Perspective](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15292686): Dean sees a man buying feminine hygiene products and another man helping him  
[Kinda Like Family, Kinda Like Love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14527815): Trip to Bermuda; Dean is a teacher; the sensory date  
[Road Games](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15909351): Dean mentions sex in the car before work as something he’d like to try  
[Lucky Ducks](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16356929): Dean sees a little boy holding a stuffed duck during the Christmas shopping trip  
[Thankful](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16640195): Cas and Dean pass by the family whose twins are having a fit at the grocery store  
[Neighborly](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15843669): The grocery store scene at the register in which one man is gushing because the other accepted a date with him; mirroring during sex  
[The Secret Santa of Cubicle Land](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17095250): Dean is preparing for a Secret Santa exchange; one of Cas’ Christmas fics  
[Listen to Your Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17770643): Sam and Eileen talk about their mini golf first date  
[Push/Pull](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17341832): The plot is mentioned as one of Cas’ fics; naughty cookies; weekly video game showdowns; scarf used as a tie for “a little light bondage”; kiss between the brows; comeplay; Charlie is a baker  
[The Warlock’s Gift](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20097442): Invisible sex and exhibitionism mentioned as something Dean would like to try  
[Adventures in Love and Grieving](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18821956): Cas makes salsa chicken for Dean; funny t-shirts; comeplay  
[Be My Baby](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20350345): The opening scene where Ryder leaves Killian is taken from this story; one of Cas’ stories is about Ryder and Killian fighting over a car  
[Tweethearts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20766281): Stargazing and poetry mentioned as a date Dean would like to do


End file.
